I was feeling discouraged yesterday, not feeling the joy in all this. So I did what I usually do: I called Bill.
Before I took off on this extended journey, I told Bill that I would need some reminding of why I was doing this, some encouragement not to quit. I already know my habit, which is to take action too quickly based on temporarily lowered emotions. That is certainly an improvement over my earlier habit, which was to take no action at all.
It’s important for me to have someone who knows me, and has known me and been involved in my life for a couple of decades, and who believes in me, and who believes in taking chances and stretching ourselves. This is the right person to call.
I explained to Bill how I just wasn’t feeling it. In my mind, that was all I needed to know. What I don’t always realize is that there are reasons why life might be difficult at a certain point, and when those issues are accepted or resolved, the purpose of the journey can once again shine in the psyche.
The first thing I identified during our conversation was the horrific flooding in Houston. The loss of lives, the loss of homes, the immense suffering in what is supposed to be an advanced county is hard to see. It fills me with the sensation that the world is not safe and I’d better run back home. Ironically, “home” is where this storm is headed next. Still, to be around my familiars (relatives, friends, neighbors, community) calls deeply. I recall planning a big life change just before 9-11 and once that horrific act happened, I thought: Nevermind. Not a good time to leave home.
So just talking that out helped lessen the weight on my heart. Staying my course, and not heading back to hurricane alley, is probably a good idea.
The second issue is where to go after my 3-week stay at this amazing campground. I bought an expensive campground membership that allows me to stay at any of around 160 campgrounds around the country for 2 to 3 weeks at a time for no charge.
The problem is lodging options up in the Bay Area of California. Before I bought my membership, I studied the available campgrounds and identified several that would put me in close enough distance from some of my goals to meet up with family and friends in Santa Cruz, Sacramento, Albany, Olema, and Big Sur.
Two big problems with my plan: First, some of the campgrounds I identified on the map are actually part of another system where I only get a 20% discount. Meh. When a campsite is $70 per night and I get a $14 discount, that pretty much covers fees and taxes. Not my vision.
Second problem: Two of the likely campgrounds for me to stay at are closed because of flooding earlier in the year. I do believe the people who run campgrounds where I have my membership are negligent in not making that clear on their maps of available campgrounds.
So not having a great place to stay while I pursue my bucket list of connections is a big problem for me, especially after having won the jackpot on my current campground.
After identifying the real source of my lowered emotions (where am I gong?), Bill helped me focus on the people I wanted to visit rather than where I would be staying. I decided that an available campground within 1 or 2 hours of most of my destinations would be acceptable. I could work during the week, then head out on a one-day or overnight excursion in the car. I won’t have the gorgeous nature setting I have here, but I also won’t have to pay $1,500 a month for retail cost of camping. (By the way, of all the states I’ve camped in, California has the most expensive retail and state campground sites and they offer the least amenities and the sites are hard to snag unless you book a year in advance. Just saying.)
I realized that by not knowing where I will be staying starting a week from now until the end of November, which is my goal right now for how long I want to do this, is draining my energy. We decided that I should spend a day or two if necessary looking at all the activities I want to do (spending time with cousins in Santa Cruz and Sacramento, meeting friends in Big Sur, joining a T@B tiny trailer campout in Olema, going to spiritual support meetings in Albany) and all the possible campgrounds that would put me in doable distance from these events, and book ’em.
I’m now done figuring out my campgrounds for the next 3 months and I’ve booked them. My plan involves 4 more campgrounds in my membership, a state campground, and a family ranch visit. The plan could change if I really hate a campground, or if something better comes up. But for now, what a relief to know that for each of the days and nights between now and Thanksgiving, there is a little spot on Planet Earth with my name on it. I feel so relaxed inside.
I have my fears. I’m afraid I won’t like the campgrounds, that I won’t get a great site, that I won’t like the surrounding areas, that cell reception will be horrid, that my dog will be too hot or too bored or get too many stickers in her tail, and all kinds of issues.
But thanks to talking things out, I’m going to keep my eyes on the prize of my bucket list goals. I’m out here to find things out, about myself and about the world, and to meet up with loved ones, and I have to be out here to do that.
There will be lots of time to go home and resume a routine. But Bill feels strongly I’m not anywhere near ready to do that. At this moment, I have to agree.
Image: Public Domain: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:CandlestickTelephoneGal.jpg